Mother's Day

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week. Sometimes it is hard for me to put my thoughts on paper, but today I feel like I need to. I really don't know why.
Since we have been back from the doctor in Kansas City I have felt very conflicted. I am trying not to think about it all the time. Trying to learn patience. I know it is all in His hands. Most days I deal with that quite well. Others, not so much. I just pray I get the chance to be in the study. I know that is the way we can be lead to a cure. So we all pray.
Every day I wonder is this the day they will call? I know I am on the list, so we pray. I don't want to feel angry and unsettled. I just want my old life back. I think know it is Mother's day and Tulip Time this week have made it worse. I don't want to be a whiner. I want to continue to act tough. Just not today. I need a day to whine, throw a fit and just be sad. I am mourning something. As a very good friend put it today you just want the old Dee back that could walk around Tulip Time, eat all kinds of crap and feel horrible. Yep, that about sums it up! Plus put in there trying to work 15 or more hours a day and all the stuff that was involved with that. So, maybe it wasn't as glamorous as I am thinking! This year I am cuddled in bed watching HGTV and warm. It looks very cold out today so yes, I am thankful I am home! If I could just get them to deliver a strawberry smoothie!
Then the remembrance that it is Mother's day tomorrow. What a great day to honor Mother's everywhere! I think of my mom what a strong Christian woman she was. When I think of being a child I knew when mom meant business. No back talk or a good soap washing of the mouth was in order. She had a yard stick that she knew how to use too. I think there were a few times I maybe should have had it but it slipped by. Wow did that smart. Thinking of the back hand she had she maybe should have tried golf. She could have been on tour I bet! I think of the challenge of raising three children alone after losing her best friend, husband and partner at the age of 44. I really don't know how old mom was I am thinking 41. That seems so young to me today. I know it was then too, but now that I am older and wiser it seems very young. I am sure she had many days she wondered how she was going to do it all alone too, but she had a friend in Jesus. Many times I would find her alone reading her Bible. She made sure of it. She had a close relationship with God and nothing could shake that. When I think of mom I think of her favorite Bible verse. Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen." Yes, I can understand how this was mom's verse. I am sure many days she wondered "why" God and how am I going to raise these children alone and I am sure she had many questions for God. She was a good mom. A wonderful example to us. How God is there for us each and every minute of each and every day. I get it now. I am sure I gave her plenty of grey hairs. In the end it doesn't matter, she is singing praises in Heaven and rejoicing with Her almighty Father! She lived her life for Jesus. That is all that mattered. Yes, now I am claiming that verse too. I love that verse. Mom died so suddenly, no last words, no good byes, just gone. Makes you think of the last words you say to everyone you meet. I will never forget the last words I said to my mom, "ok mom gotta go, talk to you tomorrow" and as always "love you" I love the Love you I said and the "love you's" I hear.
I also am so thankful for the Mother-In-Law God gave me. We had so many wonderful times together. So many times we would just giggle about nothing. I am sure many times people thought we were crazy and yes, we were. I often wonder what she must have thought this 16 year old girl marrying her son. She may have thought some things, but I never felt she judged me. She accepted me, loved me, and taught me so many things. We butchered more chickens in the summer. Doesn't seem I have needed that skill in many years, but I still will know and remember how! She was an awesome teacher. She taught by example and kindness.
I appreciated her so much and since we lived so close I was so thankful for our relationship. She truly was my best friend for many years! We did so many things together and shared a lot of laughs. It was so hard to see her suffer the few months she was ill. I do cherish the many long talks we had. If she couldn't sleep at night we spent the whole night talking at the hospital. The words I will always cherish from her were "thank you for being such a good wife to my son". Yes, those words meant the world to me coming from that dear woman. She taught me how to be a Mother-In-Law. Think but don't always speak what you are thinking. I do struggle with that sometimes! :) I loved her so much.
I wonder what kind of mom I have been. I tried. I did the best I could with what I knew.
I stole that from Joyce Meyers. I figure that is why we have therapist in the world. I loved my kids with all my heart. Still do. I am proud of the kid's we have. They are alright. The are not only our kid's, they are our friends too. When I had a baby at age 17 I did not realize how much that baby would change my life. I don't think at that age things settle in your brain like they do when you get older. I couldn't believe at how perfect and beautiful she was. God knew I needed a good baby and she was an awesome baby. Now, that baby is a mom. As I watch her with her family I know how she feels. She is a good mom. Her little girls I pray will be mom's too someday. You have a love for your children in your heart so deep you can't believe it. You want to protect them, you want what is best for them. That is when you know that God is the one in control. We can't keep all things bad and ugly away from them. We just can pray for God to take care of them each and every day. God gave me a daughter-in-law. We always prayed our children would find a mate that was a Christian. God is Good. I have a wonderful daughter-in-law too! I feel like I have known her forever and she is our family. She is so good to me. She is an awesome mom. She too is my friend. All the time God is good. Sometimes it doesn't seem like God is right beside us, but yes he is. As I look back over the years with the joys, struggles and sorrows, God was there with us, beside us all the time. He knew what we needed and he provided.
As another Mother's day comes and goes I am thankful for the mom's I had. I don't care how old you are, you still miss your mom's. I often think if I could just have them back for one hour or one day what would I say? So many things run through my mind and then I think. I will save it. We will have all of eternity to hash it all out!